A spam mail from “Lovette Pilley” with “Skit” in the subject line. This was the random text passage in the mail:
An adventurer named Adam is confronted by his fiancee Lovette, whom he recently jilted at the altar.
Adam was in his element. Surrounded by a group of admirers in the centre of Pilley town, he was recounding his recent exploits in the Far East.
“In Malacca I met an acrobat and an athlete,” he said. “I decided to travel onward with the athlete, and after a while we reached Singapore. The Malaccans had been amusing objects of study, and in their polite ‘goodmornings’ and ‘hellos’, I had taken much comfort,”
As Adam was talking, a woman had sidled up to the edges of the crowd. It was his ex-fiancee Lovette, whom in the act of leaving at the altar in favour of travelling, Adam had scorned and greatly angered. She was here to demand an explanation for his abandoning their wedding. Her sister Hetty had told her that he had gone on some sort of adventure, but she wanted to hear it from him.
“Adam!” she yelled, barging through the crowd and interrupting his story.
“Holy mother of God!” Adam hissed. “Lovette!”
Lovette put her hands on her ample hips. “How happened you not to be at church?” she barked, anger glowing in her eyes.
“I- I-” Adam stuttered. “We- my brother and I, we heard of an attack!”
“An attack?” Lovette’s voice was shrill. The crowd watched with baited breath.
“Yes! The whole town of Pilley was in danger!” Adam said. “So we seized our magazine rifles and ran out, to see a terrible sight! Men on horseback came galloping towards us!”
“Why didn’t I hear of this?” Lovette eyed him distrustfully.
“Because before we could see them off, they kidnapped us!” Adam said, carried on the crest of his tale. “And Billa, my trusty guide – who studied pharmacy and dentistry combined, along with civil engineering – woke me several hours later, and told me were were at some sort of tourist camp,”
“And where were your kidnappers?” an eager young lad at the front of the crowd asked.
“Right there with us, where they had slept and breakfasted!” Adam told them. “When they saw that we were awake, they presented us with an itinerary-”
“Short lights of the world,” Lovette cursed under her breath, before turning on Adam and shouting at him. “Seven shillings and sixpence I paid for that wedding license, and for what? You never wanted to marry me!”
“I did!” Adam shouted back. “I gave a certificate, didn’t I? If I hadn’t wanted to go through with it, I wouldn’t have done that!”
Lovette had decided to leave Pilley for good, at least while she had money left to buy her ticket. She squared up to Adam one last time.
“I don’t believe you ever wanted to marry me,” she said. “Of course I cannot know it, but it is what I feel,”
“It seems I can do nothing to persuade you,” Adam was crestfallen.
“Nothing!” Lovette said. “I am going on some adventures, as you call them,”
“You intend to travel?” Adam was dumbfounded.
“Yes, and why not?” Lovette tossed her head. “I will take a boat down to the coast,”
“Miss, if I may suggest, you should ask Mr. Wood to take you,” piped up a man from the crowd. Lovette recognised him; his name was Ithulpo and he was of Mexican descent. She didn’t recall ever having noticed quite how attractive he was, with his dark hair and slender limbs.
“Yes,” Ithulpo said. “I believe he always pays a guide to row his boat beyond the rapids and the usual troublesome whirlpools,”
“Does he indeed?” Lovette was interested. “Well, since I am a little tired with my exertion, perhaps you could help me find this Mr. Wood.”
“Certainly, Miss,” Ithulpo made his way over to Lovette and took her arm courteously. As they left the crowd, Lovette threw a haughty look back over her shoulder at Adam, who was utterly perplexed.